Working with an A-Hole is Hard on the Body

…If you let it be….

I work with a total jerk. I mean, he is a capital a**hole. He’s an engineer. He’s smug. He’s arrogant. Yes, he’s brilliantly intelligent, but staggeringly egotistical and totally condescending and crappy to the entire team. In short, he is a d*ck. Today, he spewed his Napoleonic crap onto me and told me not to edit his content ever. The nerve of him! I wanted to say: “If you could write, I wouldn’t have a problem with that, but you write crap.”


Despite not saying what I really wanted to say (because I’ve learned that that never works), I came out swinging and stood up for myself, but it didn’t end there. I have been holding this negative energy for hours. I have been chewing it and mulling it, and cursing his very life. As many of you know, I don’t take kindly to creeps. I’m genetically incapable of taking poo from ANYONE. I don’t care if it’s the Pope. If he’s acting like a gaping a**, I’m going to stand up and I’m going to say something and it’s often going to be really blunt. See? I’m not all peaches and cream like many people think. Mama’s got edges. If you are cool with me, I’m the loveliest person in the world, but screw with me, a loved one, a friend, an animal, or the undeserving and, well, I will hand you your junk on a plate. Every time.

Except this time, I lost. I’m right, but I still lost. Grrr….

So, I’ve spent half of the day steeping in anger and the other half trying to talk myself down from the ego ledge upon which I have plunked myself. Needless to say, I am exhausted from the battle and looking for the lesson(s) in this.

I have so, so, sooooooo been working on my reaction, my emotions, and my programming for the last five hours, but despite trying to get myself “right”, my head hurts. I feel shaky and now I just feel like sobbing. My poor, poor body! I wish I could let stuff go faster. I wish I was healthy enough not to care what other people think. I wish I could just process it, like a machine, and be done in 15 minutes, but no, that is not me. I hold stuff. For a very LONG time. But, this is what I’ve concluded so far:

He is a mirror for me. I, too have a big ego and am proud of my accomplishments. I like being right. I like being competent and intelligent. So, I really do understand him or that part of him. However, his behavior is not worth my emotion. He is not worth the damage to my body. He has different values than me. For example, he wants to win regardless of who he hurts. He has to be on top. He is alpha-dog in any pack. He is clearly compensating for something. He is damaged (like me). He is also a child of God (like me).

But, man, my ego does not want to let this go. I vacillate between understanding and acceptance to wanting to go all “Viking” on his ass and lob off his head. I want to fight. I want to break his tiny body into three fairly even pieces. I don’t like people telling me to cut corners and do less than a perfect job. I don’t like a**holes. I don’t like people who treat me (and others) poorly and I really, really, really dislike injustice. It’s the injustice of the situation that’s driving my ego batty. To me, life is too dang short to walk around being a jerk to others, but you know what? That’s my value, not his. He sees nothing wrong with his behavior. He lives like this. I do not.

jaggedSo what? The world is full of a-holes and idiots. Big woop. I am not going to change him. I will not enlighten him. I’ll bet you dollars to donuts, this little Napoleon let go of the battle fewer than 10 minutes after getting his way and also that he could give two you-know-whats about me. ARG!!! Oh. My. GODDAH!

So, here I am. Shaking with righteous anger, damaging my poor body with my thoughts and rampant emotions, pleading with my ego and telling her to let go of it, telling myself to choose health and peace and love and understanding. I keep admonishing myself that this is the work that I invited by way of this little prick (just couldn’t resist the jab) and that I am NOT A VICTIM! I get to look at a piece of my psyche with this exchange. I get another layer of healing. I get to practice removing the expectation that other people will be decent and kind and loving. They won’t. And, it doesn’t matter.

People are not here to please me. They are not here to behave in a way that makes me feel better. It’s MY JOB to do this. I HAVE TO FIGURE THIS OUT. I get to drag myself kicking and screaming into feeling better (despite other people’s behaviors). I invited this exchange on an energy level and now I need to look at it. I need to step out of blame and take responsibility for this situation. What am I wanting here? What is he showing me of myself? So, so much work left to do on myself. : (

“But, can’t I kill him just a little?”, my ego pleads? No, ego. Put down the battleaxe. We are not doing that in this lifetime. We are learning in this lifetime. We can’t answer this kind of energy with fists or fights or furies. We need to understand what this is and transform it into something positive and useful. So, dear ego, sit down and be quiet. I promise you. This will all make sense soon. I’ve almost got it figured out. Almost.

54 thoughts on “Working with an A-Hole is Hard on the Body

  1. LB

    We’ve all been in similar situations and it sucks when in the middle of it. Can you redirect my energy towards a good walk or some sort of fresh air / exercise combination. That may burn off some of the anger and frustration until time begins to sooth things a bit. So sorry for this dreadful interaction, Lizzy.

    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Hi, my biker sister! Thank you so much for your kind words and support, honey. It’s true that there are lots of people going through stuff like this. The A-holes are everywhere, but the fact is that I need to take responsibility and own my part in why this guy showed up in my reality. It’s something in my mix that is bringing him in and I need to get to the bottom of it. I very much like your idea of exercising it off. I’ll make sure to work out extra tomorrow if it’s still with me. 🙂 Big hugs to you, honey.

  2. Jennie Saia

    Time soothes so many things. Including inflamed assholes like this guy! I have a few people with whom I’m so bitter, I don’t have the energy to spare from my own endeavors to funnel into truly forgiving them right now, So, time passes, we move on, and someday it will be easier to genuinely let it go.

    1. BigLizzy Post author


      You are soooo right, sweetie. This will pass. I cannot ignore my responsibility in it all. I am drawing this guy in and I need to figure out what’s in my mix that is creating this situation.

      And, yes, I so know what you mean, it’s not always easy to forgive. We shouldn’t force ourselves to do it before we are ready. All in good time, my sweet sister.


  3. mariner2mother

    I so love, love, love that you recognize that this guy pinged you in a very big way. It’s miserable and for sure feels horrible in the body. We’ve all been there. When it happens to me these days, once I have been able to calm down a bit, there is a little tool I learned that can help.

    I get quiet and centered and bring back the number one feeling of discomfort. Then I ask myself what’s beneath that feeling. Take time and just let it come. Then ask yourself what’s beneath that feeling. Don’t push it, it will come. Then ask again what’s beneath that feeling. Eventually you’ll reach the nugget, the truth of what was in you that got pinged, rung, vibrated in a very uncomfortable way. And I can guarantee, it has nothing to do with this a-hole. He’s just there to facilitate your healing yourself.

    So, once I get to the kernel, for me, I ask ascended masters, archangels, God, whoever, to help me heal this old hurt (and it always goes back to old wounds). A shift will happen; perhaps small at first. But over time and with more healing, you will surprise yourself and this guy will be a blip on your radar. An idiot still, but he won’t bring out the lion in you because the lion will be all happy and purring.


    1. BigLizzy Post author


      Awwww…best message ever, my sweetness of love and light. I am devouring your words and savoring them. I LOVE the practice of asking what’s beneath it. I will most definitely do this today during my meditation. And, I also totally love the idea of asking the ascended masters and Archangels to help me heal it. Just brilliant and awesome, awesome, awesome! Oh, and yes, it’s so totally about old wounding, babe. You are absolutely right. I can always tell it’s old stuff, core wounding stuff when I want to break someone in half or when my reaction is much bigger than the actual event.

      Ah, delicious words and help from you, my love. Thank you so much for chiming in with this help, honey. I want to be a purring lioness. YES!!


      1. mariner2mother

        It might take some time and doing this little exercise several times, but recently when a friend of mine was going all nutty about some perceived wrong (boy was she amped up), I was able to sit in a place of stillness that surprised myself. Hang in there- just think of him as he is: an insecure rooster who has to crow to feel like a rooster. Luv ya Sis!!

    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Ohmygoddah, FreshGinger-sweetie. IT IS EXHAUSTING. I’m still friggen’ tired. 😐 It really helps me to know that my BBB peeps also face these cray-cray moments. I dislike that we are tortured by our egos, but I also know that we can all figure this out and heal ourselves. :))

      1. Fresh Ginger

        If it helps, I start by just not repeating every bit of cray-cray in my head out loud, especially to my husband. He doesn’t get it so I save some energy there. Then, if I make it that far, I divide it all into legitimate things to gripe about and shit that doesn’t matter. The doesn’t matter pile should be the larger of the two.

      2. BigLizzy Post author

        Totally helps, FreshGinger! I very much like these suggestions. In the grand scheme of things, it absolutely does not matter that an a-hole engineer thinks I’m stupid and doesn’t value what I bring to the team. He will likely live his entire life like a douche. I will not. So, yeah, great advice. 🙂

    1. BigLizzy Post author


      YES!! He has raging “short-dog complex”, But that’s what’s so weird. He’s good-looking and beyond brilliant. It just astounds me. He has everything going for him, well, from outward appearances. He’s smarter than any person I have ever met. But, smart does not equal heart-connected or kind. In my estimation, he’s a dangerous personality because he enjoys standing on people’s necks, being right all of the time, and hurting others. Sigh. I wish humanity was done with incarnating people like this. Aren’t we ready to move on from this kind of negativity, people?

      Thanks for chiming in, my friend. 🙂

  4. Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher

    I know how you feel – and it’s always so HARD to know WHAT to do but not HOW to do it. I struggle with keeping anger against wrongs and injustice and blows to my ego..and I often stuff my feelings and the things I really want to say b/c I know it will ultimately make things WORSE – but I so WANT TO SAY THEM…why are so many people so free with their rude remarks but some of us just hold back on lambasting them? It’s so difficult being human.

    And of course we should let it go – but HOW??????

    1. BigLizzy Post author


      Gawd, I so get you completely. These are the exact same things I ask myself and struggle with all of the time, obviously.

      I think how we move past it is to go inward, analyze what happened as much as comfortable to do so, try to find out why another person or situation is triggering something within us, and then do something/take action with it.

      Susan, Mariner2Mother, posted a great meditation that we can try for getting deeper to the root of what is being translated by our egos and then releasing it. Unfortunately, when something like this happens, it just shows us the additional work that we need to do on ourselves. It shows us our psychology.

      Life is just a constant, constant process of going inward, holding the feelings, processing, analyzing, and then releasing by way of meditation or exercise, or whatever we need to do to get it out of our bodies. Most of us are too busy to do this or too lazy or too tired, but in my belief system, I believe that it is our asking that brings these people into our sphere and we want to do the deeper work. We just have to make sure that we do it.

      The work never ends, babe. Keep plugging away from your end, honey. I have all the faith in the world in you and me. I know we can do this work and free ourselves. 🙂

    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Hahahaahaha…now THAT is funny! See? Editors are not evil and very useful. We want to help people. But, try telling that to my asshole engineer. Hahahahaha! Well, you have an editor any time you need it, sis. I’ll always help you and do it with a smile on my face and love in my heart. <3<3<3

      1. Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher

        🙂 I am never opposed to getting someone to look my stuff over b/c I can’t see what I wrote b/c like most people, I read what I think I see and what’s in my head.

        I often have my friend read over a post if it’s particularly dense or serious – my ego problems lie elsewhere but I appreciate a good suggestion.

      2. BigLizzy Post author

        That’s actually a GREAT IDEA, Ruta, and with emotional topics, yeah, that’s just a perfect idea. I edit as I write now, which sometimes makes it hard to get the juicy nuggets out. I have a HUGE editor inside (aka ego) and I often have to duct-tape her into the corner to get my words out, but then, when I’m ready for her I say: “Come edit the shit out of this, girl.” And, she happily complies. It’s actually a pretty fun process. Love you, sis. I do. I really do. 🙂

    1. BigLizzy Post author


      Gawd, I agree with you on one level and was sooooooo tempted to say that to him. The thing is High Tech is full of hierarchy and pecking order and assholes. He is not a good enemy to have. He could get me fired immediately so I cannot win this one.

      And, the bottom line is that I drew him to me for something. I have to take responsibility for my part of it and what I want to learn. I asked him (energetically) to step forward and do this work with me. So, I have to find out why we are doing this dance together.

      I have found that my life goes much smoother when I take utter responsibility for the quality, elements, and energy in my life. If I didn’t have something in my energy mix that was drawing this person, this guy would not be stepping forward to show me parts of myself. Plain and simple. I am the reason that this occurred. I am not a victim of him or anything.

      It sucks to be an adult sometimes, but this is the best way for me to move through the rigors of life. It’s just exhausting and days of anger and trudging through the wet cement of my heart. Blach! I still want to effing bash him, but he is not my problem. I am. Sigh.

      Thanks for the read and for commenting, my friend. You lightened my heart. 🙂

      1. Fat Bottom Girl

        Some days are definitely more of a challenge than others! Go to your happy place girl! Because really, in the scheme of things, what does that ass hat matter?? 😉 Go rock your universe!

      2. BigLizzy Post author

        Hahhaahaaha!!! LOVE you, mama. I am 95% over it already and LOVE that. I will go rock my universe and get myself to 100% by day’s end. THANK YOU, sis. 🙂

      1. BigLizzy Post author

        Awwwww….you sweet thing. Now I am all warm and gooey in my heart for you, but I am all of the time anyway. Big kisses, sweet mama.

  5. astraltravler

    Dear Lizzy,
    I don’t think there is anything I can say that has not already been addressed. Other than I Do Feel for You, and Support you Girlfriend.

    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Well, that is just fine, my Anastasia-love. THANK YOU for coming by and offering your support and energy. It truly makes all the difference, sis. My heart is happier and lighter because of you. Muwahh!

  6. Frances D

    “He is not worth the damage to my body”
    No truer words ever written. It’s taken me years to bring my Irish-Italian temper under control. Every once in a while someone “special” can make it flare.
    Stay cool. And by the way you are so lucky to have such fab folks reading your blog and commenting – I enjoyed each entry I read. Much love from the Garden State

    1. BigLizzy Post author


      First of all: THANK YOU for stopping by, reading, and commenting. I adore you. Secondly, yes, you are absolutely right! Look at all of the love, energy, and helpful deliciousness that has been flowing my way since posting this. My life is FULL OF BLESSINGS from my blog family and I’m eternally grateful for each and every gorgeous human who stops by to shed some light, explore, and take in the energy here and process with me. THIS is the direct result of my taking utter responsibility for my emotions and my life. Good things come to people who work hard. I work very, very hard. I don’t just write about it, I live it.

      But, yeah, this is a very good reminder from you, so THANK YOUUUUU, my lovely NJ/NY sister. Big hugs and kisses coming your way.


  7. Rhonda Cool

    Lizzie, I feel your pain. I have caused myself an abundance of stress in my life working with bosses or supervisors that did not meet my expectations. I am a perfectionist, a systems person, and hate incompetence. I also have a big ego and expect those I work with to have the same values, work ethic, and organization that I do; however, I always seem to find myself disappointed. Why do I bear this cross daily? It seems I find myself dealing with incompetents every day. Or, could it me that has the problem? Not of incompetence, but of judging and expecting everyone to be a “Mini-me.” Why do I continue to flounder in this sea of despair? One of my New Year’s resolutions was to try and reduce the stress in my life. I figured the best way to do that is to find some good books on self-improvement. Well, I guess the two below could be considered such and a good segue on my journey for enlightenment.

    I just read two wonderful books that shed some brightness on this very subject. The first book is titled, “God On Your Own – Finding a Spiritual Path Outside Religion” by Joseph Dispenza. The second one is, “Dying to be Me” by Anita Moorjani. Bear with me and I promise to tie it all together. Joseph was a Buddhist monk for eight years and never felt fulfilled. He struggled for many years after leaving the church, but finally found his way. His belief is that religion is at the heart of all our ills. From the time we are old enough to understand the least bit of verbiage that enters our brain, we are taught that we are defective human beings, sinners, and unworthy. God, the Source, the Divine, the Universe, or whatever you decide that created us and the energy we are, is above us and we must live our whole lives struggling and repenting in hopes of walking through those pearly gates. Joseph believes that we are all magnificent creatures and we are equal to the creator. If we live a truly honest spiritual life from a place of love and joy, we have experienced “heaven on earth.” We do not judge, we do not expect others to fit our expectations, and in doing so, create peace in our lives. Mahatma Ghandi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” I am going to strive to be that change and try to reduce the stress in my life.

    The second book was very moving and written with true passion. Anita’s body was ravaged with cancer and was only given a few hours to live when she was placed in ICU. She had a NDE(near death experience) and chose to come back and help others who were suffering physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. The title is perfect- most of her life she lived in fear and always tried to live up to others’ expectations of who and what she should be. The takeaway from the book is that we must not fear life. Most of us put up walls and never know what it is to truly live. Now, to that nasty, devilish ego, her take is that it is good, and feels the same way that Joseph does about our magnificence and that all the bad in the world is because of fear, plenty of it caused by organized religion.

    In summary, we have to live fearlessly and be at peace with ourselves. We cause stress in our lives when we do not live in the moment and judge others based on our expectations. We must revel in our magnificence and be whole spiritually. Wayne Dyer said, “When we judge others, we do not define them, we define ourselves.”

    Thank you so much for the post Lizzie. You seem to be able to read my mind and know how to bring the words alive and feed my soul when it is in dire need of nourishment. Keep it up!!

    1. BigLizzy Post author


      Oh my gosh, what a delicious journey you take me on with your words and expression here, my friend. Seriously, I could not imagine my life without you. And, both of these books sound amazing. I’m going to have to fire up my Kindle and get them; they seem right up my alley.

      I love that you want to reduce the stress in your life and it’s one of your resolutions. I’m going to try and help you. It’s actually one of the things I vow to work on every year but I always seem to fail at it. Maybe we can help each other with this. I so wish that we lived a bit closer. I know it’s ridiculous to complain about a half-hour drive each way, but with every bleepin’ minute of my day used up, finding the time to fit in any more is super hard. You know exactly what I’m talking about, don’t you?

      And, ohmygosh, you hit the nail on the head with this: ” We cause stress in our lives when we do not live in the moment and judge others based on our expectations.” It is so, so true. I am kind to others and expect kindness from others and when they do not live up to my expectations, all kinds of shit happens. I always feel so blind-sided, but I cannot escape my role in it all. I have attracted this on some level and the universe shows me what I am vibrating, plain and simple. Does this mean that I am an a-hole to others? No, but it means that this exchange with dick-for-a-personality has a vibrational quality, a frequency that I was broadcasting. Change the vibration or frequency and change the type of people who walk into my reality and interact with me. Plain and simple. The work is with me. Always. You get this, honey.

      Thank you, sis for your incredibly thoughtful, detailed, honest, and heartfelt response. I am shimmering with your words and swimming in them. You are such a gift to me. Big loves, BigLizzy

  8. Claudia Moss

    Not this lifetime…we are doing it differently! I am understanding this way of living and loving is my way, too. Liz, this post is simply priceless! I ❤ it!

    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Claudia-my-love, You take my breath away, mama. I mean it. I read your words and I KNOW that I can let my truth out. YOU are the biggest gift to me. I am so, so, so appreciative for meeting you through this magic medium of ours, sis. Mucho amour from my FURdinand (and all of the rest of me)!

  9. Adri

    It’s taken me way too long to find the time to catch up with BBB, so I’ll just add that I’ve been working on the same issues inside myself for many years. There’s been many days where I needed to take a break and go run with my dog until I was calm enough to work effectively again.

    During a particularly bad patch on a previous team, one of my co-workers happened to mention that the routine fights on scrum calls reminded them of gorilla dominance battles. From then on we imagined the particularly abusive folks on the team as shaggy gorillas beating their chests. Calls became so much more fun and less stressful 😉

    1. BigLizzy Post author


      So glad you stopped by, honey. I always love it when you come over for a visit. Thank you for the kind comments and for reading.

      You understand on a cellular level what I’m talkin’ about here and I bet you can guess who this post is about. 😉 But, working with you makes up for all the a-holes out there. You, my friend, are one of the reasons I’m still at the company. I adore you and I adore working with you.

      Warm hugs to you, my darling, sensitive, and amazing friend. I’m SO LUCKY to know you.



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