A Body that’s Too #@&% Full!

A body that’s so full, the energy spills out in every direction and reaches the furthest points in the galaxy. A body, rife with such emotion, such movement it can barely contain it all, so she has to be bigger and more vigorous. A body that pushes words out and tries to convey, weigh, catalog, and identify, but feels lasting frustration with the endeavor because words can never capture what’s really happening inside. Words are mere nuances, shadows, ghosts of the depth and intensity that this body and consciousness experience.

How to tell you how it feels for me here, now, in this body, on this planet, in this life, in this moment? It’s nearly impossible. I have no proper conveyance system to help you understand, but for the expression in my eyes. If you want to know, you have to look into my face. Then, you will see it. You will get it. You will come away with a piece of the truth.

Sigh. I’ve been writing my novel again. Mostly because the emotional pressure has built up so much inside of me that I must write. I must get it out. I sit here and climb the purple walls in my office for a few days and then, I can’t take it anymore. My body is so #@&% full of feelings that I have to tap in, drain it off, release. Such is the anguish and the exaltation of the writer.

Some more of my crazy artwork

More of my tangle artwork

My protag is a fierce woman. She is a depressive. She is intense, strong, deep-feeling, ballsy. She merges with other people in a culture that stringently dictates how and when that should happen. She’s not unlike me. And, while I don’t want to write about myself (because I’m pretty sick of myself most of the time), I can’t help it. I’m all that I know.

The challenge for any novelist is to create a character so different from one’s self that that character lives outside of, eclipses the psyche that created it. I’m not there yet. All I can do for now is plumb the depths of my own being and spill it all out in the hopes that this character will someday emerge from my shadow and stand in her own light. I want her to be other than me. I want her to live.

So, lately, I’ve managed to write (on her behalf) some snippets that might almost be good. Tell me what you think.

“The depths that I swim frighten me. I go so, so deep. I live in that murky half-light, that blue-to-black space, that world between worlds. I live in a place without light. I breathe the sea.”

“His silence is either bad or worse. It almost never means goodness. It’s a cold stare, a closed hand. A dark room. It means consternation, tension, guilt. When he’s silent, I have no choice but to make up stories about his feelings (or lack thereof). I have no handhold, no beam of energy on which travel, no connection. His silence is a knife in my neck.”

“If only I were enough for myself. How different might my life be? Today, I can describe my life only in terms of what’s missing. So much is missing. What’s not here is what I carry into each strangled moment. The ache of loss. The dim blood-beat of loneliness. What’s not here smothers me. I feel like I’m drowning.”

“He lives and breathes from inside of me and while I don’t know exactly what it all means, if anything, I can say that to feel him so close, so immediate, so deeply but not be able to touch him is torture. It’s a yearning that never ceases. A gnawing, steady drag of feeling through me that never relents.”

18 thoughts on “A Body that’s Too #@&% Full!

    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Why thank you so much for saying that, Simaroseblossom! And, thanks for following me, babe. It’s awesome to meet you. The first thing I’m going to do is stop by your blog and check it out. I appreciate your visit so much. Big, warm hugs to you! 🙂

  1. mariner2mother

    Damn, woman! You can write! Something about the energy in the air these days is stirring my creative juices to the point that I’m going in six different directions at the same time. I’m inspired by some aromatherapeutic essential oils I recently got; inspired to create new blends to use in soap and balms. And in the next nanosecond I want to learn so much more about photography (flash photography specifically) and to use my new camera a ton more. But I have a five gallon bucket of freshly picked apples that I want to turn into lavender applesauce. And my yard still has some major work before the winter rains come (sometimes in October, and other times not until November). And I want to write more. And I have some beautiful tourmaline beads that need to be strung into a bracelet. And I don’t want to deal with my son when he’s sick and falling further behind in school. And, and, and.

    “Words are mere nuances, shadows, ghosts of the depth and intensity that this body and consciousness experience.” Yes, that!

    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Awww…thank you so much for the very kind words, honey-bunny. I so “get” you. Exactly!! This is perfect. You make me laugh! I feel much of what you’re experiencing as of late. A serious “Squirrel” syndrome. I want to do everything. I want to experience everything. I want to play and explore and do and do some more. It’s fun. I would LOVE to try the applesauce. OMG, that sounds so yummy. I love lavender so much and use it frequently on my skin and internally. Sigh. Separated at birth, you and I. It’s delightful. You speak and my body, my heart, and my psyche sit up and take notice! What a gift you are, sis. ❤

    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Ellen-honey, Coming from you, Ms. author extroidinaire, that is very high praise. I’ll take it. Thank you so much! I’m heading over to read your latest poem that got published. So, so proud of you for everything you do to beat the demons back, heal, and help others. You truly are such an inspiration to me, boss-mama. You will always be my boss-mama, my friend, my famous-author-sister, and my family. ❤ ❤ ❤

  2. The (Gluten-Free!) Food Gurly

    It’s beautiful, Lizzy. Just beautiful. It speaks to me, to my core…not sure why, but it does. I’m glad you wrote today, I’ve missed you, friend. xoxo

    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Joanna!! Awww…thank you so much, sweet friend. I love that this speaks to you and found root inside of you. That makes my writer heart very happy. It is the goal of every writer, you know, to live inside of others in a lasting and meaningful way. What a compliment you pay me here, honey. I just visited your blog again and am now famished! I soooooooo want to try the skinny chocolate. OhEmGee! I have missed you, too. I wish we lived in the same state. I would come over and eat. Hahahahaha! Hey, I would help clean up afterwards!! Hugs and kisses, honey! ❤

      1. The (Gluten-Free!) Food Gurly

        Hehe… the good thing about my good…it is all healthy!! And you would be welcome any time, love. 😘

      2. BigLizzy Post author

        I know!! That’s the best part of it. It’s all healthy stuff! I wish I was more savvy in the kitchen, but I simply don’t have time to prepare food, etc. My Hubby ends up doing the cooking. But, I intend to leave little nudges from your blog on the counter and encourage him to try them. Lately, Craig, my Hubby, has been on a Indian food kick and I’m in heaven. I LOVE Indian food. 🙂

        So, you are also equally welcome over here any time, sis. You and Craig could cook while the rest of us eat. Ha!

  3. MELewis

    Great writing, Lizzy. I love ‘his silence is a knife in her neck’. Keep spilling forth and I’m sure the result will be well worth reading. 🙂

    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Mel, my darling Frenchy!! Thanks for coming over and taking a read, sis. I do appreciate your kind words. I’ll keep going on this project and see where it gets me. I have 19K words written so far. I need about 100,000 to make it marketable. Slog…slog…slog… Bises to you, my friend.

    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Hi, Dan! Thank you so much for stopping by, my friend. I LOVE the LiveWriteThrive site. I recently learned about this site from my friend, Jackie. I’m excited to explore LWT in greater depth as I need lots of help with my fiction writing. Thanks for the encouragement, my fellow in fiction writing. Hugs, BigLizzy

  4. persephone2013

    My dearest LIzzy, I’ve been quiet for too long. The passages from your book astound me; that you can capture such feeling with mere words. But not just words, the right words.

    “The depths that I swim frighten me. I go so, so deep. I live in that murky half-light, that blue-to-black space, that world between worlds. I live in a place without light. I breathe the sea.” When I think about being in that blue-to-black space, breathing the sea, it’s oddly comforting to me. Just floating, breathing. When I had my first scuba lesson, being able to breath under water was like dreams I had as a kid where I could breath under water. It was so amazing. I’m so calm and comfortable under water. I think I was a big fish or a whale once.

    Keep plugging away. I look forward to reading your book.

    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Persephone-baby!! How did I miss this lovely comment from you, my darling? Sheesh! Thank you so, so much for stopping by and saying hey, honey. It’s so nice to hear from you. How are YOU, mama? It has been too long. Nice to hear that the work reaches you. I love hearing and knowing that. Not because it inflates my ego, but because it creates worlds of understanding and depth between us and others. Whenever we let something in, it changes us and I believe that it’s always for the good of us, ultimately. I love the imagery of you as a dolphin or whale. Thank you for that. I, too have such an affinity for water. I’m a Pisces in this life, so it makes sense. TY so much for the encouragement to continue writing. I’ll come back to these warm words of yours whenever I need a boost. I love you, sis. ❤


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s