This Exquisite Madness

People often say to me: “Lizzy, how can you possibly feel all of the stuff that you write about? Where does it come from? You can’t possibly process this much, channel this much, can you?” I smile. I look into their eyes and ask them in my mind: “What do you think? Do you not feel the worlds of movement in my writing? Do you not see the soul peering back at you when you catch my eye? Do you not grasp the immense, unfathomable, endless infinity of experience, emotion, and thought when you stand beside me?

But, here’s the secret: all of that is exactly what I feel when I look at you, when I stand next to you, when I peer into the soul of you. This exquisite madness, this thing that we’re all doing here together, as in, expanding mankind’s consciousness, is the only raison d’etre any of us really need and it’s our only important work. We are doing it together. It is happening.

So, yes. I really do feel everything that I write about. I came here “on” and there is no holding back, no tapping out, no turning this off. Admittedly, this madness scares people, people who are not ready for someone who is so awake. I’m not bragging when I say this, guys. This is simply the case. I’m awake. It’s acutely painful at times. It’s lonely at times. But, it’s worth it. And, you do this, too. You’ve gotten to your own version of “here”. Your exquisite madness is more lovely than mine, I venture.

So, for those of you wondering how it feels…

When I eat food, explosions of emotion erupt inside of me. I can feel the soul of the food entering my cells. I can feel the essence of how the food was grown, how it was handled, packaged, and shipped. I can sense the atoms of sunlight bursting on my tongue. I can hear the messages from the food, the acid in the soil, the alkalinity of the water that fell on the plants. I can feel my consciousness changing shape when I consume food, when I feed my lovely body. The plants hold ideas for us. I decipher them with my senses. I close my eyes when I eat often because the feelings are so full, so big, so voluminous. And, I’m giving myself over to the experience. I’m fully receiving the experience.

When I listen to music, the notes expand inside of my body, shake feelings from the deepest recesses, spin my head with such dizzying movement and joy. I cry alot when I listen to music but not from sadness, from fullness. The lyrics burst through me, become me, live inside of me: glowing, radiant, energized, and precise. Music stretches me out on my back, opens my limbs, changes the structure of my cells. I love laying on my yoga mat, blasting house music, and widening my entire body to it, my psyche taking off like a shot through the universe.

When I’m writing, words shake me at my desk, the phonemes strangle me with energy; it’s a ravishing experience to be taken like that, to yield to it, to let go. Words are not just words. Words are life essence. Words are the conveyance system for me. They are so important. You want me to fall in love with you? Use your words. Tell me what you feel inside; go there, find the emotion, locate it inside of you, tell me where it is. Tell me how it is to be in your body, to stand on a mountain, to be seeing creation, to be pulling life through you. I’ll love you forever. And ever.


Lovely art, compliments of lovely unsplash; check ’em:

When I touch his hand, my body opens, drops, undulates like a flag in high winds, receiving, pulling in, and emptying out. I feel his energy crossing, entering my veins, filling my insides, living inside of me, in all parts of me. When I look into his eyes, my whole body vanishes and I’m suspended there for a millisecond, floating out to edges of the universe, holding the beam of energy between us, riding that wave, feeling that spark, that atomic connection crossing the distances between us, over and over. When I merely think of him, my cells jump up and dilate, tasting all of the moments that have transpired between us, the words, the sentences, the laughter, the love, reliving everything, drawing it all in, holding it, teasing apart the meanings. And, there is sooooo much meaning between us.

Yes, this is real, people. This is what it means to be fully awake. This is how it feels to accept what comes, to enter the garden of the self, to know that all of my experiences have been drawn to me, by me, for a reason. Each moment, whether positive or negative, holding a gift in its hands for me. To live life fully awake, means, at bottom, to demonstrate a willingness to be vulnerable, a willingness to search for personal answers, to open your rib cage and let life trifle with your innards, to look inside of the psyche, hold what’s there, ponder the self, and above all, to be honest about the self, regardless of how messy or real or uncomfortable.

It takes courage to do this work, to lower one’s defenses, to head out toward an unknown horizon, and stay this open, but in the process, we see colors, feel feelings, have thoughts, and taste experiences that we would not have otherwise had and we grow profusely in the process. Yes, it’s acutely unnerving at times; it’s scary at times. I have been punished, rejected, ridiculed, hurt, and misunderstood in life because of my open, full-feeling nature, but it hasn’t stopped me; no one has dimmed my light and no one ever will. This is how it feels to channel the madness of sages and saints and shamans. This is how it feels to be “on”. Come with me. You know this road. You’ve stood on this bridge. You built this tower. Come stand beside me.

11 thoughts on “This Exquisite Madness

  1. newheavenonearth

    “exquisite madness” reminds me of Jon Kabat Zinn’s full catastrophe of life!
    thank you for sharing your “madness” with us, which sounds really sane and mystical to me!
    Here’s to all the great feelers on the earth; the ones who notice, pay attention, the appreciators, the empaths, the spiritual perceivers, the intuitive, the open, yielded, receptive, awake, aware and present ones who dare to feel deeply!
    your descriptions remind me of how I experience my intimate relationship with my Beloved! 🙂

    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Hi, newheavenonearth-sweetie! Thank you so much for your awesome comment here, sis and for reading my post! You honor me with your visit and attention. I took a cruise over to your blog, too and LOVE it! Oh, yeah. Light, love, spirit, connection with Source (God) energy; it’s all there, too. Keep on giving us what we need, sis. I love it. And, I love you. Here’s to more people joining us on the bridge to spirit. ❤

  2. mariner2mother

    Wow! Wow! Wow! I love you and your amazing words. Like when I smell scents and fragrances and I bounce between the zesty tart or zippy sweet of citrus that wakes me up and makes my engine rev, or when I smell the earthy floral with a twist of camphor of lavender that somehow clears out the cobwebs of my mind, bringing peace to my monkey-mind. Or when my eyes look at the perfection that is nature, sacred geometry in action, and something about it speaks to my heart. Ahhhhh. What a love-fest. ❤

    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Hi, my sweet baby-girl-Susan! Awww…thank you so much for your kindness and connection here, honey. I love your words here so much. Mmm….the scents of this world! YES! I was totally thinking about you when I wrote this post. I was thinking about the amazing photographs that you take and when you’re in nature, pulling some gorgeous scene into your psyche, you are doing the same thing that I do. Perhaps, our vernacular varies a little, but this is the same process. It’s about the never-ending, immersive experience of the unseen and how we transmute that into the physical. Because you are such an open channel, I knew you would get this post on a subterranean level. And, it thrills me that you do. I love you, sis. 🙂

  3. Kelly

    Holy cow you are amazing with articulating so much, so strong and powerful and deep….so love you Lizzy!!!!!!!!

    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Awwww…Kelly! My love-bunny. Thank you so much for the sweet comments, honey. I do have the word thing down. Hahahah! I’m smiling so big right now and thinking back on when you and I were last together, standing at the base of Bell Rock and how we giggled and played and laughed and crammed in a year’s worth of yumminess into one evening and half of the next day. I love looking into your eyes and hearing your words and watching the colors dance out of you. It’s the best thing ever to look at you and recognize you (on a soul level) and know that we are in the same soul group on the Other Side. We’ve known each other forever, sis. From the moment we met, I knew this. I’m beyond lucky to be here on earth with you again. I feel this every day. I love you, honey!

  4. ridicuryder


    There’s authentic and then there’s you…. 🙂

    Can you purple sunbathe your toes by hanging them off the edge of our solar system?

    Is there a always a coyote somewhere panting Lizzy Lizzy Lizzy as they trot along through the midday heat?

    Does all the ridicule anyone could ever stack up on you get eventually spat out from under our spinning rear wheels as our bikes fly over the moon?


    1. BigLizzy Post author

      RidicuRyder, Ha! I think I love you. 😉 You are the funniest person ever. I adore this comment. I read it at least 12 times, smiling from ear to ear all 12 times. I’m still smiling. And, giggling. And, feeling all warm inside. The answer to your questions: Yes. Yes. And, yes. Hell, the answer to any question is yes. Let’s ride, my friend. 🙂

      1. BigLizzy Post author

        Yay! Counting on it, my friend. I can already feel all of Sedona sitting up and taking notice. We will bend molecules; this place knows not what it’s in for! 🙂

  5. love

    I am with you. I retreated away from city life, tired of people questioning my joy, being intimidated by my self love, taking offence at my honesty. I live now, immersed in Nature. I am drenched in sincerity, kissing my flaws and open to Balance. x


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