Playing with My Pudge

Do not fear. This is not an obscene post, despite the rather provocative title. Hahaha…just have to tell you this funny story from some years back and hopefully, it will bring you a smile and remind you that the body is our refuge; it can be a source of peace, comfort, and nurturing.


When I first stated technical writing fifteen years ago, I interned at an electrical engineering company in Silicon Valley. So, my job was serving triple-PhD. engineers in the Integrated Circuit, Semiconducting, and “hard-as-shite” sector of the working world. There I was, a tiny, shiny fish in a huge ocean of mathematical equations, you know: transistors, electrons, physics, voltages, poly-silicon, etc.

Now, I am not a math person. I’m a creative soul, first and foremost. I have always been a creative person, as in, a liberal arts geek: poet, artist, graphic designer, freelance journalist, crafter, theater-nerd, etc. So, how the heck I landed a job in “uber-math-ville” is beyond me, but I nailed the interview and charmed all of those “Data-from-StarTrek” types with whom I interviewed that day. I think they hired me because I was bold and loud and so unlike all of them. But, I digress.

Early on in my writing career at Cadence Design Systems, aka “Math-Central”, I realized that over half of one’s time in High Tech is spent in meetings with lots of other people. And, if you know anything about me at all, you know that I suffer from extreme sensitivity (aka social anxiety), so meetings are, understandably, the bane of my very existence. Sitting in a room with lots of other people and trying to keep myself from falling off of the planet is physically painful. Meetings suck.

One day, like, two weeks into my first-ever exposure to High Tech and the mind-numbing machinations of technical meetings with 25 other people all crammed into a small, hot room, I was sitting there trying to get my pulse under control when out of the corner of my eye I see the dude beside me kind of shrink away and shift his chair over uncomfortably with a look of horror on his face. I follow his terrified gaze and look down at my lap where I notice that I have two fistfuls of my belly fat and am shaking it gently like a mother soothes a little baby. HAhahahahaha! No lie!

Needless to say, my face instantly flushed scarlet, I started to sweat, and quickly muttered “I’m so sorry. I do this when I’m nervous. OhMyGod, I am so, so sorry.” The dude was seriously FREAKED OUT! I mean, NO ONE in High Tech admits to having a body let alone touching it in front of others, EVER. I had broken one of the cardinal rules of High Tech: admit that you actually have a body and are not simply all mind like everyone else around you.

Holy-poop! I was so scared that the dude was going to report me to HR and that my career would end before it ever really got off the ground. For the record, he didn’t report me. But, for the next three years, whenever he saw me, he avoided me. I’m talkin’: briskly-walk/run-out-of-the-hallway-away-from-me avoidance.

I can laugh about it now, but back then, I was mortified! I couldn’t explain to him that I do this to comfort myself and that when I reach down, grab my yummy belly, and give her a little pat and a shake, it makes me feel better instantly. It’s not lascivious or obscene, it’s just a way for me to mother myself. It’s a way for me to love my body and take refuge in her ample-ness. I couldn’t fully explain that I was stressed and I needed to feel better. No, instead, I had to put myself on notice right then and there and, vow to never do it again, EVER (which, of course, just added to my anxiety in meetings). But, such is life.

The take-away is this: even if others do not honor this or understand, our bodies can be our biggest source of comfort and peace. We absolutely can turn to them to make ourselves feel better and to sense our divinity, our connection to the universal mother, and tap into the healing energies available to us. It is okay to love the body and turn to it when we need help. We can use the body to center with, align with, and embrace our highest good and the mommy or daddy inside of us that adores us and wants what’s best for us. It’s part of the body’s role. It’s part of the agreement that the body makes with us when we decide to play together in a lifetime.

Our bodies want to be useful and helpful. They do. So, to me, it feels like it’s time for us, as a race, to dig into this concept and find a way to open the channel of communication with ourselves, reach for greater healing by way of our bodies, and grab happy fistfuls of belly fat. Just pick a better location to do this comforting work than I did. LOL!

Anyway, I always say: “If you got it, grab it, baby” and I’ll now add to that: “…”and hold on, despite other people’s reactions”. So, go on. Reach down there and play with the belly pudge. See how you feel! 

All my love and light to you, my friends. Yours always, BigLizzy

17 thoughts on “Playing with My Pudge

  1. Amy

    As the Mom, ex-wife and ex-Daughter – in-law of Engineers, I can tell ya they have some outstanding quirks and figits of their own. That dude in the meeting could have avoided you thereafter because he wanted to seek solace in your tummy, too!!!! Thanks for sharing Lizzy- as always, you bring light to the darkness.

    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Amy-babe! Thank you so much for reading and commenting, honey-pie. I laughed when I read your comment, because yes, I know EXACTLY what you mean. I have soooooo many stories about the quirks of engineers and the things they have said or done in my interactions with them over the years. They are a different kind of human, for sure. I have come to love them and very much respect what they contribute and how their minds work, but talk about culture gap. Ha! I love you, sis. I do. You are the light in the darkness. XOXO

  2. Becki Smith

    Oh Lizzy, I love you so. I just started my day reading this and now have a big cheesy grin on my face. You, my friend, bring joy to my heart and soul. XOXO

    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Oh, Becki-babe, Thank you so much for your kind words and for taking this in. I just smiled huge at seeing you in my mind’s eye, smiling at your desk. I’m feeling a big flush of sister-love for you, sweetness and am so glad that you started your day this way. Makes me all gooey in my heart. 🙂 I love you, honey!

    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Hahahahaha!! So, so funny, girl. Maybe he did want to play with my squishy tum-tum. That just takes it into a whole other place, now doesn’t it?! Hmmmm….

  3. mariner2mother

    So painful and yet so very beautiful (and funny). I am appreciating my beautiful body even more just reading your story. How in the heck did you survive having to write technically, in that environment?

    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Hi, Mariner-sweetie,

      Awwww…thank you so much. I STILL technical write for a living and have done it for the last 15 years; it’s nutty, I tell ya! I have to hide who I am in high tech, but now and then, I meet someone who can really “see” me and they then become a friend. It’s all good. Energy attracts like energy. Like you and me. You get it, sweetheart. We feel like we are cut from the same cloth. 🙂 XOXO

    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Awww…so glad you tried it, Kristen. That makes me smile so huge right now. However, I’m gonna need photographic proof of said “pudge playing”. LOLOL! Thanks for the comment and your willingness to play. XOXO

  4. Hamletc1602

    Thanks for sharing this Liz. Not only is it laugh-out-loud funny but I’m glad you’ve been able to take something that was horribly embarrassing at the time and turn it in to a positive lesson for all of us.

    I’ve worked in tech for most of my life so I know first-hand how it tends to force you to disassociate from your body which, unfortunately for me, has always been all too easy. I’m making efforts to get more connected with my body and your blog is an inspiration.

    Perhaps I’ll play with my ample belly in my next meeting, in honor of your story 🙂 (As I work from home, I can get away with this without fearing HR involvement)

    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Hey, my friend and fellow high-techer, Hamlet (yes, I know who you are). 😉 Thanks so much for reading and commenting, dude. You’re so right. High tech seriously contributes to body disassociation. I think it’s due in part to the time demands on us and the fact that we sit at machines all day. Plus, in my case, my traumatic childhood was a total exercise in disassociation. I was so shut down, I didn’t even know how to name my emotions. It’s crazy how far I’ve come and how much healing I’ve been graced with and have struggled for in my life.

      You are so adorable for saying that you’ll play with your pudge in the next meeting. You know that I’ll be sitting there on mute and laughing my keister off! Thank you so much for your kind words and for the chuckles. You inspire me so much, too. 🙂

      1. Hamletc1602

        Yup, gave it a try in the big demo meeting today. Surprisingly calming 🙂 (And I need it, I get very anxious speaking for large crowds, even on the phone)

      2. BigLizzy Post author

        LOVE that you tried this, my Hammy-friend. OMG, I just LOVE that it actually calmed you down. Hahahaha! IT WORKS! See? I should start holding friggen’ seminars, I tell ya! Help engineers get into their bodies. Except, I’d only sell, like, one ticket per year. Hahahahahahaha! Anyway, just like you, I get really nervous in meetings, too. Social anxiety is so friggen’ weird, isn’t it?! I mean, we’re on the phone for poop’s sake! Well, you brought a smile to my face, dude. So, thank you very much. How lucky am I that I have such cool people with whom to connect by way of this blog?! Very lucky indeed. XOXO

    1. BigLizzy Post author

      Hahahahah!! ’tis true, my sweet body-lovin’ friend! Takes one to know one, sis! Thanks for reading and commenting. I so love your blog, too. XOXO

  5. Pingback: Blog Crushes | lovetheatrics

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